at last, finals are over. i had a 36-hour stretch there within which i took 3 exams, yes 3, averaging one every 12 hours. in retrospect i had pretty bad tunnel vision; it took a severe reality check to take me out of it and realize that while finals are important to my education, i can't let them capture my mind, body and spirit because there is much going on in the world that needs my attention and prayer.
this reality check came on tuesday afternoon, as i was gearing up for the first of my 4 exams and had to go to work. i work at a before-and -afterschool program at Enfield elementary; normally they leave a back door open for us to get into the building, but tuesday it was locked. this is pretty annoying because it's quite a trek around the school to the front door. i started out and ran into one of my coworkers, who is in highschool. i told her the door was locked and expressed my annoyance (notice how inward-focused i'd become?) and she proceeded to explain that the schools were on lockdown because a junior at the local high school brought a gun with him to school and committed suicide. talk about a reality check. it wasn't until then that i realized how focused i was on the things that i was dealing with. i know this is common while in school, but this was a harsh way to crack my shell. nevertheless, i worked my shift and then went to take my exams...though we didn't have work wednesday because the local public schools were closed. i realized that while i was stressing out about finals and grades, there is a family who has lost a 17-year old son; they had probably already started Christmas shopping for him. it seems so passive to merely pray for them, but i don't know them and i don't know what else i can do.
this leads me to my point: how do i lose perspective so quickly? i've already mentioned (several times) how focused i was on exams, but besides that. i realize that my prayer life had changed as well--everything i prayed for and about was in some way related to exams, be them mine or my friend's. my conclusion is that my heart is simply not big enough to want to pray for and serve others in the way i need to be. and this is so much easier around Christmas, because it seems like everywhere you go there are people asking for donations of food and money and goods. i wish i weren't a poor grad student! it's frustrating, because there are so many things i want to do but i feel stuck in present circumstances. i need the Lord to move in my situation and give me a way to serve in the midst of it; i need Him to grow my heart so that i actually *want* to love others.
